Dead can Dance- fan video kicks ass

this is awesome! This guy is drinking vodka while tripping in Ireland and made and got someone to film it with DCD cut to it. Brilliant. It's such a good song and rather amusing video.

past life dream

I'm holding back but you see it in my eyes
I think again that I'm mistaken
I think we might dream the same thing at the same time
Just when I think it's all in my head
you say something that makes me think
you've always been near while I was chasing my shadow
I want something that is your touch
I always want what is not mine
Everything I feel is always wrong
No matter how good I try to be
something always shifts with the cool breeze coming in
I can't help that I feel too much
I can't keep it all inside
I wear my hurt upon my face
It's you that I want in the night
There's something here I can't explain
I've known you in another time
Your eyes haunt me like candles burning....

Lucian cracks me up

everything i say
you won't hear
no matter how may times
i just want to do this right
I don't want to make those same mistakes again
not with you and not with him
we've got to try to make some sense
with things we say to one another
before I lose my mind again
not the ways i've done before
but I'm feeling like breaking down
feeling so raw and on fire
when things are going so well
but why do they feel so bad
when i got everything I ever wanted in life
i got what i dreamed of
but i'm still hurting
i don't want to take their pills to feel ok
if i don't im stuck this way
there's no name for my disease
this is way was done to me
when i was a child
i can't make these same mistakes
i can burden my loved ones with my damage
if you see it and feel it
can it be avoided
i'm trying
i'm trying
i don't want to be like them
no i don't want to be like them
i won't do what they have done to me
if i step outside of myself and slap myself in the face
can i be free

effed up dream..

So, last night I had another delightful dream...joking. I dreamt that I was having a night out with 2 of my friends. And the two girls I was going out with are people I don't hang out with anymore, because they are morons...(I'm not into the partying lifestyle anymore, and these girls party). So, anyway I remember grabbing a shower in the dream and getting ready. There was a huge thunder storm while I was getting ready and I remember taking an X pill in the shower(whichI would also not do at this point in life) Then I get all dressed up and meet up with my friends and these other weird people I don't know. We get on this huge RV and start partying before the concert. It was some shitty ass hippy concert. I really don't know what it was, but probably some crappy remains of the Grateful Dead shit that those girls would go to. (vomit here) Anyhow so we are sitting with these eople I remember vaguely talking to this guy who looked like a square. I also, remember my cat being on the rv and meowing and the guy asking me why he was there. I responded that Count von kitten wanted to come with and would not let me go without him. I also recall that I was pregnant in the dream, but I guess it was not noticable by looking at me. I remember things started to get weird. Everyone was foggy and talking really weird. I was like wtf is going on here? Then, I realized it was the X I took and let go...everything goes black and I wake up in a bed not knowing wtf just happened. I woke up in the dream thinking that's weird I completely don't remember what happened last night. Then, I heard someone coming so I pretended I was alseep. The square looking guy comes over and starts kissing me while im falling of the edge of the bed. I open my eyes and am like What the fuck are you doing? He says something like "what we did last night". And I freak out, because I have no memory and realize I totally blacked out, and got that scary feeling. I go somewhere...and call my friend like "what the hell happened?' and I remember crying and also freaking out that I partied and had sex with some stranger I did not know while I was pregnant. Then, I end up at a goth club somehow and run into some goths I know. Then my mom shows up with fondu...and I'm eating. My little brother was there making fun of the door man who had the weirdest accent. Tell me that shit does not SUCK!!!! All except the goth club part. For the record...this is a DREAM. Why do my dreams suck ass lately? I miss all those sexy vampire dreams I had during my pregnancy....

Baby Lucian my lil Froggy :)

Dear Universe,
Thanks for giving me another chance at life! Thanks for my beautiful son, Lucian. He is the Sun Moon and Stars. An angel from the sky sent to brighten my every day. I realize this is what I have been missing all my life! He is just the inspiration I needed to be a better person for myself, for his father Chris and most of all for him. When I found out I was pregnant I immediately changed my life and rearranged everything to make myself a better person for him. No more partying, no more spazzing out. Just me being a momma. I love it! I would not take it back for anything :) Here is my birth story:
I just wanted to announce that my first child Lucian was born on Monday at 3:58 pm at the Birth Center in the waterbirth room. I first noticed that I might be going into labor soon on Saturday when I had cramps that felt like mild period cramps and back pain. I was having regular braxton hicks contractions for Sat and Sunday. I had been taking Blue Cohosh (a very small dosage) for 3 days when this started. Lucian was due on the 14th of April so, I was getting a little anxious waiting for him, because I was dreading getting to that 42 week point. I really did not want to have to get induced! So, by Sunday around 6:00 I felt the cramplike contractions getting stronger and pretty regular. I took a couple baths and called the answering service. My water had not broken, but the contractions were very persistent . Sarah(my midwife) had told me to call back when they were closer together and reassured me that everything was going perfect. I was feeling pretty confident and excited! I took another bath and tried to get some rest as she had suggested, but by 1:00am they were 5 minutes apart and I def could not sleep. It was starting to feel pretty uncomfortable! I called back and she had told me I could come in if I felt ready. So, my partner Chris and I went in and I was relieved to find that the water birth room was vacant, because that was the room I had wanted. Sarah was there waiting and she checked my cervix. I was 2-3 centimeters dialted. The contractions came on stronger and stronger and I started to feel pretty sick. I vomited a LOT! This went on for a while. I got in the tub to try to relax off and on which did help a bit at first but I was still getting sick. Sarah was very calming and positive which was very reassuring and helpful. The next morning came and Sarah switched shifts with Nicole(who I adore). Nicole was amazing helping me get through intense moment with positive words and encouragement. She showed Chris how to put pressure on my back to ease some of the back labor I was having. Lucian was posterior so I was having excruciating back pains. I was still getting sick. I remember when I hit 12 hours and couldn't believe I was still in labor. Chris was right there by my side. I remember telling him not to talk while I was contracting because it hurt so bad. Things started to get kinda hazy. I was delirious and the contractions got so bad that every time one hit I couldn't help but roar or yell. If Nicole(next midwife)was out of the room I felt panicky and kind of scared. She would reassure me I could do this and was doing great. I kind of felt unsure of myself at times, but I am so glad I had a great support system between Nicole,Chris, and Shanna my best girl friend who came in for a few hours. At one point Nicole checked me and said the baby was still posterior. She recommended I walk the 2 flights of stairs slowly to try to turn baby around. I just remember feeling so much pain and walking up and down those steps taking breaks to contract holding Chris. There was a room where babies were getting circumcised that day and I just remember screaming babies echoing through my head as I slowly walked up and down the steps. We would take breaks and sit in the class room upstairs which was nice. I would labor on a ball up there. I was feeling like it was never going to end! We went back down I think I did the stairs 3 separate times. When we went back down I had this feeling like PUSH!!!!!! and I was kind of yelling or roaring!!! I feel like the whole house probably heard me! Chris went back out to get Nicole for me because I knew at that particular contraction he was coming. She checked me and the baby had turned around!! I got into the tub and Katie Madden and Katie Manser(who I totally love) came in and were there. I had been in labor for 17 hours!!! I felt him coming and they told me how to push and I got this awesome burst of energy and felt "I can do this" They encouraged me and I pushed that lil guy out in 35 minutes!!!!!! That last push was incredible and hearing Nicole say "reach down and take your baby!" was the most awesome thing, but not as awesome as pulling his lil self up onto my chest and holding him for the first time in the water. It was so amazing and the most wonderful moment of my life!!! He is so perfect. He was 20 inches and 7.9 lbs. Everything went smooth after that. The Birth Center midwives have a way of making us feel like family, and I'm so glad we had our first child there. I would not have it any other way. Now I'm just learning hands on how to be a new mom. It's a little scary, because I worry so much about him. I just look at him and cry though every day thinking how much I love him. I hope this story is helpful to any new expecting moms. :)

Internal sunshine

I was wild
the night's child
caught in the storm of my own destruction
could not breathe through my pollution of self
I was searching every night
for what I never wanted in the first place
I was what I thought to be invincible
I broke the spell upon myself
to fall into the blackest of nights
to turn around
to feel alright
I find myself no longer the child
afraid to be alone in this world
left behind..sullen shy girl
Now I am a mother
from within me you are born
everything is changing
there's no turning back
no need to look away from myself
for within me is my son
no sleep this night for all my anticipating
has kept me restless awaiting your eyes
looking upon me for the first time
and you are mine
I am yours
Can't help but wonder
have we met before

Prisoners

When my band broke up last spring it left me and my homie Shanna feeling pretty bitter. Why is it so hard to find awesome females these days that aren't flaky? I worked so hard to be original and promote shows and just well to have a good time! It was not meant to be something to win a freaking popularity contest or try to sound a certain style or way. I feel that with the Impatients we created our own style and originality at least with the songs that me and Shanna wrote. To put so much creativity and effort into something and then to have people who you think are your friends just mysteriously get up and walk away, because they "aren't happy or having fun"...fucking blows. Anyhow, I'm over it(besides the occasional shitty feeling lol). I can't help but feel like it's for the best afterall I'm in a better place in my life now, and with that being my first band I have learned that there needs to be a certain chemistry between people you want to be in a band with. If you just jump into a band with someone you don't know and assume shit will work out..you are dead wrong. You might end up wanting to kill them lol. As far as plans for the future I have a few tricks up my sleave, and this time I'm not just going to jump into the shit. We had started a band called Doll Fangs with a couple friends, but sadly I couldn't commit to it at that point in time. I was feeling a bit overwhelmed once I found out I was pregnant! HAha! So, I put all that on hold. At the current time I'm learning to become a better bass player and will be merging that with singing. Chris will play drums and Shanna on guitar. My dream for an all girl punk band will go on the back burner for now, because I realize what matters more is being able to function and create as a band with people that you enjoy being with and working with and well that you can flow with. This band will be punk as hell and I am super psyched. I don't feel that being a mother will hold me back on this. It might be hard at first when baby is little, but I plan on taking my time with this one and being able rock the fuck out when we are ready :) Anyhow here is a video of something I tried to strive towards an awesome all girl band called the Chin Chins and for memory's sake I will post an Impatients vid or two. Also, our old myspace is still up and there are tons of pix on there :) www.myspace.com/theImpatients5



Check out this video: "Meeeeow"

State of emergency!

Snowed in today AGAIN! WE got 21 inches a few days ago and now I think we are supposed to get about the same amount on top of that! I will take this time to learn bass from Chris and become the most awesome bass player in my future band... Anyhow I posted this Bjork video because it's very appropriate considering the circumstances. i saw her play this song live in Coney Island NY a few years ago I can't remember the date! "State of emergency is where I want to be...."

Bauhaus-In the Flat field

This song makes me want to freak out in a good way...Dance with that jacket Peter Murphy!

Ava gets shot! " Mortal " scene.

This is where I (Ava) gets shot. The handsome feller shooting me is my little brother Dylan, and the camera crew is Matt, Charlie, and Shanna. They are most awesome!

Walls