So much has happened since I've last written here. I've traveled to the West Coast and back several times.  I've loved and lost... I've lost myself... I've lost Dragon... I'm starting over again... Trying to.. The world is upside down and sideways.  L.A. Just burned down and David Lynch just died a couple days ago. Things are as surreal as ever. 

 

 I've been to South America twice. Costa Rica, and Peru since writing here.  I have stories, poems, songs, and dreams to share regarding that journey.    I've lived in Northern California, and traveled all over the West Coast exploring Coastal Highway 101.  I made friends with a young bear  and deer along that journey. (I have pics of both) I returned with my cat Smoothie who passed away last year just after my birthday.  He was my soulcat and love also Sindar was his first form ( my first cat ever who was my guardian and first love early on).  

This is the first time in my life I'm not diving head first into my next heartbreak.  That probably sounds silly, but I've learned this about myself.  I've never learned how to just focus on myself and not always be searching for love to complete me.  I know it has derailed me so many times...every time when I get my head in the right space which is ...doing for self..self love self care.

 

I feel like I'm at the beginning of something huge.  It's like I'm standing on the edge of a cliff.  I'm learning how to be in love with myself.  It's incredibly sexy.  I'm learning what I'm capable of.  I was able to do so much and I always thought it was the other person making the magick happen but I realize I'm the fucking magick.  I'm the other person.  I'm making love to myself and it's incredible as ever...  I can do anything myself, and I will.  

 

Every odd was always stacked against me.  I was dealt a shitty hand, born into chaos losing my mother, and having my father and brother stomp on me along the way.  I took on the pain of everyone..being the empath that I am.  It's taken me all these years, Dad died in my arms, and I filtered his energy as it passed through me as I observed like an outsider whispering 'you were a good father to him' which is just not true. 

 Years later I've had to discover the truth myself of what he did to me. I asked so many questions AFTER he died on May 14, 2007 , because I completely forgot those things were a shady reality or skeletons that have been swept into a rug or into a closet that had been forgotten or not talked about, but I always knew something had happened to me.   HE even told me once when he caught me and my step sister (Valerie) drinking his Absolut Vodka one night.  She stupidly poured it down the sink the moment he walked in the room so he could smell it.  He was pissed.  I knew we were in deep shit.  Or so I thought.  It turned out she wasn't going to be punished at all.  It was all on me.  You see..we used to sneak and drink in our room or do LSD.. stuff like that.  We were teenagers, and I was on a tight leash so it was like anything to get my thrills back then, but it always had to be SUPER TOP SECRET or a total ass beating and hours of lectures and punishments would ensue for me ..never for her.  IT was always different kids different rules.

Anyway, back to the vodka.  So, Valeria runs upstairs and he is not asking her to come back down.  So,  this talk was different than the normal screaming display or ass kicking.  My old man decides to pour the bottle between us and have a heart to heart.  With tears in his eyes he says he's tried to 'protect me from you people your entire life' speaking of my mom's side of the family and even going as far to say someone on her side (I won't say who because it's not true and I won't have his name dragged in the mud over this any further) molested me when I was 3.  He even said there was paper work confirming it and if I ever had questions later in life he would show me the papers if I ever needed to see it.  I FORGOT about this in the short time we reconnected before he died.  I spent the last year of his life visiting him and I NEVER ONCE THOUGHT TO ASK HIM ABOUT THIS which I still kick myself for, but I was relentless and found out the truth... He was the one who hurt me... I won't go into detail here but I always remembered that day he lied to me crying those tears...tears of guilt because he knew he was the one who really hurt me and he knew I was fucked up from it which is why my 14 year old ass was drinking his vodka.  So, he drinks it with me then sends me to bed.  I'm drunk and I think he wanted me to be hungover which I was but never puked that night somehow.  He forced me to clean the bathroom next am and do chores to let me me know ..yes I was in trouble.

https://youtu.be/zXYADWK5B3g?si=quJ3nz-DOFS1XTKM

Trouble...yes I was in serious trouble...because breaking me down as a child and ruining me the way he did set me up to be a runaway, and for a life of disappointment, abuse, trauma and repeating mistakes with different aspect of my father in the form of different men. I've had my bones broken, been tortured, verbally abused, manipulated, cut, raped, choked, cheated on, and robbed by my different lovers... I don't care to keep trying.  Thanks Dad for the lessons.  I could be just like you, but worse.  You made me a monster... a beautiful one, but I mostly choose to be an angel really.  I know what I'm capable of... I know how I show up.  I've learned the hard way how I don't want to be.  I learned from you how dark I can be.  We both are quadruple Scorpio after all.  You were born on the 31 of October. Samhaina and Halloween Me myself and my mother a 13.  

I had no idea what would come out, and I could not go too much into detail with this as it is oh so personal to me, but I needed to say what has happened here. I searched my whole life for these answers.  One day I asked the right questions to my mother...she gave me the right information finally...things she had locked away...disregarded and forgotten... until I had asked ...and she recalls a story I shared with my Nana who was alarmed and told her... she assumed is was lies and slander as during this most difficult and chaotic time of my life (and hers)they were having a massive shit slinging contest(both sides of the family involving grandparents in this war for custody of self and my brother). My father was not a repeat offender to me.  He was crazed at the time, and I believe he did it this one time so he could run to the Dr. and say ..Look something has happened to her in the care of her mother.  The family member he blamed was an innocent teenage male member of the family on my mom's side.  This accusation created bad energy between me myself, and that uncle for most of my life until about a year ago ... That's like almost 40 years.  

I decided to confront him one Christmas and it was after a couple glasses of wine I felt brave enough to do this.  I had thought about it for many years.   I told him I knew he never hurt me, and that my father had made up the lie that took me my whole life to figure out. My father had blame shifted something he actually had done himself to me so he could take me to the Dr. and say it was something that happened to me.  The dr did confirm to my mom that this had happened.  They never asked if it was someone else.  They confirmed it was not my one family member and threw that part of the case out never reevaluating it.  If my father had really thought something happened to me he wouldn't have been so dismissive.  He  was the one who hurt me and when my mother told me the detail I omit because it is brutal... I had fallen  on the floor and in the pit on my being I knew he was the one who did it...  I figured this out in 2016. I even tried to track the Dr down to get the records but they had been collected (by my father and destroyed). 

When I told my family member  he responded thanking me and embraced me and I couldn’t stop crying . He had checked on me since then and it’s been so much weight that’s lifted off me since rebalancing that energy even though I never should’ve felt like it was up to me, but it helped me heal and him too. 

I've since told a couple family members, but no one wants to talk about this and no one will accept this as truth.  Even my mother who has agreed and understood after providing me with the details has since questioned me for believing it and no one else will talk about it with me anymore or again.  It's very uncomfortable for them to accept and to talk about.  My dad molested me me when I was 3 so he could take me to a Dr and say someone else did it to make mom look bad in court so he can win.  He was flipping out at the time too because he had to live with what he did.  That's why he cried when he lied to me with the vodka.  He knew he fucked me up...he knew it was his fault...with tears in his eyes...he lied.

 

This is why I had an early obsession with sex.  This is why I attracted predators and dangerous people most of my life until I learned how not to walk around in victim mentality without my boundaries.  It took a lot of practice, and still does.  I used to practice walking like a man at night wearing a hood and baggy pants so I could walk alone in unsafe areas. I used to practice stabbing in the dark . I keep to myself a lot to protect myself, because I feel dangerously open at times still.  I have changed a lot and become the hero in my own story so I have my back better now than we used to. 

As far as Dad goes I know he was molested growing up.  I know he was beaten.  I try to have compassion...I try to forgive.  I live with this always.. Always knowing the man who should've always protected me violated me, damaged me, and set me up on a path of despair and darkness that I hope to find my way out of one day.  I can't expect that to be with someone else even if that's what i've always wanted and thought it would be a certain way . I just know how much I can rely on others at this point. 

I thought I would find it through someone else...happiness.  I know it's supposed to be attainable within...alone ... I'll let you know... I'm trying still