Phoenix

 

I've recently decided that I will start putting here some of my stories of my journey, because I have a story to tell.  Ideally this would all go in the book that needs to be written which would then be a film.  

 

Anyhow, I think I've already mentioned some of the other worldly beings  I've seen at my earliest memories a couple posts back during the times where Sindar my first cat was spiritually protecting me.  I know to this day that is why I have been able to get this far despite everything.  This far meaning how I've evolved as a person, and did not end up becoming like my abusers, dead, or in trouble ultimately.

 

At night I was always afraid of the dark, and the unseen because I knew I could feel things that were there and since I was swimming in fear constantly coming from the abuse and trauma that my parents being at war constantly put me through.  My dad in particular was a large Italian quadruple Scorpio whirlwind of violent power. I remember thinking he was a giant.  I do believe I was picking up on something with our bloodline.  I don't know what he exposed me to, but I know that I was cracked open from the trauma and I could clearly see between worlds.  I think doorways open during such traumatic events. Anyway, I don't want to dwell on this time frame as I've already covered what was happening at age 3 in the previous entries. 

Growing up I saw things I could not explain.  I woke and would see what I was dreaming in the waking life.  I know people call that night terrors when they explain away things so it's logical, but I definitely think I could see between realms.  I saw a gorgon once floating at the foot of my bed in the air.  It's eyes glowed and looked at me and I just stared at it for a long time, with snakes in it's hair.  I remembering being afraid and I just stared into it's eyes until it eventually went away.  

 I came onto this planet searching for someone.  I wasn't planning to leave without them.  I found myself in the process.  I do the work on myself continuously.  They say we attract mirrors of ourselves, and I realize every time just how wounded I am.  My most recent reflection doesn't love himself..so how could he ever love me?  Does this mean I don't love myself?   I feel too much,and it gets me in trouble.. I left the door open and the light on, and I'm alone every night.   I think I subconsciously make it easy for people to cut me when I let them in.  I"m vulnerable in love. I'm a slave to it.  It rules my soul and my being.  I am a fountain of love endless and boundless pure love when I shine just right... My love makes me a servant to pain.  Is this the meaning of Venus in Scorpio? 

 

 I'm aware of myself more now than ever and my patterns.  I know how high I can become from the fantasy of what I think love is, or who someone is, and when they cut me down how I crash so hard and so low.  When this happens I question everything and who they are, and I am left resposible for the illusion I have created of love.  This completely derails me if I let it, and it also let's me know how deeply I felt or was touched by this person.  If there was no pain there was no passion, and I didn't love them anymore.  If I truly loved I am shattered and it feels like a knife in my chest and I cannot breathe for days.  I have recently felt the knife and I am still catching my breath.  I did a ceremony to remember who I was last night and it helped. Once again I am the phoenix.

 

I can't make this unimportant to me.  I have no drive without love in my heart.  No will ... I feel like a lost Fae spirit fading between worlds, because no one believes in me.  The muse they all wanted to touch as an object, but no one has the will, strength, or ability to hold me.  I feel like an imaginary entity,  Some call me Goddess. Some believe in me... I am between worlds.  Intangible apparently.  My name means Queen of the Fae

I hold myself in truth. I embrace myself

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The time in particula

 So much has happened since I've last written here. I've traveled to the West Coast and back several times.  I've loved and lost... I've lost myself... I've lost Dragon... I'm starting over again... Trying to.. The world is upside down and sideways.  L.A. Just burned down and David Lynch just died a couple days ago. Things are as surreal as ever. 

 

 I've been to South America twice. Costa Rica, and Peru since writing here.  I have stories, poems, songs, and dreams to share regarding that journey.    I've lived in Northern California, and traveled all over the West Coast exploring Coastal Highway 101.  I made friends with a young bear  and deer along that journey. (I have pics of both) I returned with my cat Smoothie who passed away last year just after my birthday.  He was my soulcat and love also Sindar was his first form ( my first cat ever who was my guardian and first love early on).  

This is the first time in my life I'm not diving head first into my next heartbreak.  That probably sounds silly, but I've learned this about myself.  I've never learned how to just focus on myself and not always be searching for love to complete me.  I know it has derailed me so many times...every time when I get my head in the right space which is ...doing for self..self love self care.

 

I feel like I'm at the beginning of something huge.  It's like I'm standing on the edge of a cliff.  I'm learning how to be in love with myself.  It's incredibly sexy.  I'm learning what I'm capable of.  I was able to do so much and I always thought it was the other person making the magick happen but I realize I'm the fucking magick.  I'm the other person.  I'm making love to myself and it's incredible as ever...  I can do anything myself, and I will.  

 

Every odd was always stacked against me.  I was dealt a shitty hand, born into chaos losing my mother, and having my father and brother stomp on me along the way.  I took on the pain of everyone..being the empath that I am.  It's taken me all these years, Dad died in my arms, and I filtered his energy as it passed through me as I observed like an outsider whispering 'you were a good father to him' which is just not true. 

 Years later I've had to discover the truth myself of what he did to me. I asked so many questions AFTER he died on May 14, 2007 , because I completely forgot those things were a shady reality or skeletons that have been swept into a rug or into a closet that had been forgotten or not talked about, but I always knew something had happened to me.   HE even told me once when he caught me and my step sister (Valerie) drinking his Absolut Vodka one night.  She stupidly poured it down the sink the moment he walked in the room so he could smell it.  He was pissed.  I knew we were in deep shit.  Or so I thought.  It turned out she wasn't going to be punished at all.  It was all on me.  You see..we used to sneak and drink in our room or do LSD.. stuff like that.  We were teenagers, and I was on a tight leash so it was like anything to get my thrills back then, but it always had to be SUPER TOP SECRET or a total ass beating and hours of lectures and punishments would ensue for me ..never for her.  IT was always different kids different rules.

Anyway, back to the vodka.  So, Valeria runs upstairs and he is not asking her to come back down.  So,  this talk was different than the normal screaming display or ass kicking.  My old man decides to pour the bottle between us and have a heart to heart.  With tears in his eyes he says he's tried to 'protect me from you people your entire life' speaking of my mom's side of the family and even going as far to say someone on her side (I won't say who because it's not true and I won't have his name dragged in the mud over this any further) molested me when I was 3.  He even said there was paper work confirming it and if I ever had questions later in life he would show me the papers if I ever needed to see it.  I FORGOT about this in the short time we reconnected before he died.  I spent the last year of his life visiting him and I NEVER ONCE THOUGHT TO ASK HIM ABOUT THIS which I still kick myself for, but I was relentless and found out the truth... He was the one who hurt me... I won't go into detail here but I always remembered that day he lied to me crying those tears...tears of guilt because he knew he was the one who really hurt me and he knew I was fucked up from it which is why my 14 year old ass was drinking his vodka.  So, he drinks it with me then sends me to bed.  I'm drunk and I think he wanted me to be hungover which I was but never puked that night somehow.  He forced me to clean the bathroom next am and do chores to let me me know ..yes I was in trouble.

https://youtu.be/zXYADWK5B3g?si=quJ3nz-DOFS1XTKM

Trouble...yes I was in serious trouble...because breaking me down as a child and ruining me the way he did set me up to be a runaway, and for a life of disappointment, abuse, trauma and repeating mistakes with different aspect of my father in the form of different men. I've had my bones broken, been tortured, verbally abused, manipulated, cut, raped, choked, cheated on, and robbed by my different lovers... I don't care to keep trying.  Thanks Dad for the lessons.  I could be just like you, but worse.  You made me a monster... a beautiful one, but I mostly choose to be an angel really.  I know what I'm capable of... I know how I show up.  I've learned the hard way how I don't want to be.  I learned from you how dark I can be.  We both are quadruple Scorpio after all.  You were born on the 31 of October. Samhaina and Halloween Me myself and my mother a 13.  

I had no idea what would come out, and I could not go too much into detail with this as it is oh so personal to me, but I needed to say what has happened here. I searched my whole life for these answers.  One day I asked the right questions to my mother...she gave me the right information finally...things she had locked away...disregarded and forgotten... until I had asked ...and she recalls a story I shared with my Nana who was alarmed and told her... she assumed is was lies and slander as during this most difficult and chaotic time of my life (and hers)they were having a massive shit slinging contest(both sides of the family involving grandparents in this war for custody of self and my brother). My father was not a repeat offender to me.  He was crazed at the time, and I believe he did it this one time so he could run to the Dr. and say ..Look something has happened to her in the care of her mother.  The family member he blamed was an innocent teenage male member of the family on my mom's side.  This accusation created bad energy between me myself, and that uncle for most of my life until about a year ago ... That's like almost 40 years.  

I decided to confront him one Christmas and it was after a couple glasses of wine I felt brave enough to do this.  I had thought about it for many years.   I told him I knew he never hurt me, and that my father had made up the lie that took me my whole life to figure out. My father had blame shifted something he actually had done himself to me so he could take me to the Dr. and say it was something that happened to me.  The dr did confirm to my mom that this had happened.  They never asked if it was someone else.  They confirmed it was not my one family member and threw that part of the case out never reevaluating it.  If my father had really thought something happened to me he wouldn't have been so dismissive.  He  was the one who hurt me and when my mother told me the detail I omit because it is brutal... I had fallen  on the floor and in the pit on my being I knew he was the one who did it...  I figured this out in 2016. I even tried to track the Dr down to get the records but they had been collected (by my father and destroyed). 

When I told my family member  he responded thanking me and embraced me and I couldn’t stop crying . He had checked on me since then and it’s been so much weight that’s lifted off me since rebalancing that energy even though I never should’ve felt like it was up to me, but it helped me heal and him too. 

I've since told a couple family members, but no one wants to talk about this and no one will accept this as truth.  Even my mother who has agreed and understood after providing me with the details has since questioned me for believing it and no one else will talk about it with me anymore or again.  It's very uncomfortable for them to accept and to talk about.  My dad molested me me when I was 3 so he could take me to a Dr and say someone else did it to make mom look bad in court so he can win.  He was flipping out at the time too because he had to live with what he did.  That's why he cried when he lied to me with the vodka.  He knew he fucked me up...he knew it was his fault...with tears in his eyes...he lied.

 

This is why I had an early obsession with sex.  This is why I attracted predators and dangerous people most of my life until I learned how not to walk around in victim mentality without my boundaries.  It took a lot of practice, and still does.  I used to practice walking like a man at night wearing a hood and baggy pants so I could walk alone in unsafe areas. I used to practice stabbing in the dark . I keep to myself a lot to protect myself, because I feel dangerously open at times still.  I have changed a lot and become the hero in my own story so I have my back better now than we used to. 

As far as Dad goes I know he was molested growing up.  I know he was beaten.  I try to have compassion...I try to forgive.  I live with this always.. Always knowing the man who should've always protected me violated me, damaged me, and set me up on a path of despair and darkness that I hope to find my way out of one day.  I can't expect that to be with someone else even if that's what i've always wanted and thought it would be a certain way . I just know how much I can rely on others at this point. 

I thought I would find it through someone else...happiness.  I know it's supposed to be attainable within...alone ... I'll let you know... I'm trying still

I'm not angry at the people who have hurt me anymore.  All the pain, and suffering I've ever felt for the most part is self inflicted. I've lost a lot of people close to me.  My father died in my arms eight years ago May 14th in a not so peaceful way.  I used to take substances to feel numb..which would eventually backfire, because I had a desire to self destruct at a young age.  I'd be lying if I said I didn't lose control at certain points.  I realize now I must have been battling my masculine self instead of embracing him.   All this time I was looking for him externally.  He is me.

 I've seen the flames... I see the fear, and rage in the eyes of those who judge, and scorn and cast stones at me carried over from lifetimes... for being a woman in my power my essence. I woman in Nature. I am a woman who is angry at being oppressed in numerous lifetimes, and I remember now who I am.  I am a woman who has suffered a broken heart too many times, tried to pick up the pieces too many times, saw the good in those who wouldn't see it in themselves, given all of myself to help others, I've given all of my heart to my loves and watched them change and shift faces and forms and slip into blackness.  Even you .... 

I am alone physically in this world.  I am love. I am a "witch".  I am the "devil" to my "family" I was shunned for being born.  I don't know who they thought I was or think I am anymore. What I do know is I don't fucking care anymore.  I forgive myself and thanks for the lesson...really.. but how much more do i need to suffer?  I know we create our own reality, but I have learned this....and I hope this helps..someone somehow. Money and Love..Love and Money DO NOT MIX!  I do not need to explain this further. Love yourself, and don't give anyone any money especially if you love them. They will use this money as a reason to make you feel you owe them and gain power.  You are priceless, and if someone loves you they don't need money or your possessions, and they will respect you.  I've made this mistake too many times. I was taking on relationships where I end up sacrificing all my assets to save the relationship which in turn destroys it because I have given my power away.  I can only be angry at myself for this. I have given them the power to take.  How long before I lose everything and am sleeping on the street for the sake of love? I've lost it all. My friends, my money, my stability...for love. How long until I wake up and realize that the love I seek is within? I'm not going to manipulate myself or drain my own power in the name of love. I'm just going to try harder to love myself at this point, because that (and one loud whiney siamese cat) is what I have...and you of course my shining star( I will see you again some day soon when I get out of this trap I have snared myself in) 

Oh things..

I haven't been updating ANYTHING here lately..so here it is.  I loved to California...yay! I am going to meet with some people about some acting spots in a local film.  I've done some modeling and projects with horror related films.  I have been in Mortal by Kat Lehmer. coming soon) 2 Mark Mackner films, one silly role as a hostess in a silly web series called Flour(not my bag. I'm no hostess) Flowers by Phil Stevens . ..Horror is cool, but gore is just...fucking gross! Im wanting to do more acting out here, and actually write my own film.  I am thinking dark comedy :) I feel motivated to focus on my acting right now.  Here are some pix of recent work :) I feel more positive out here on the west coast..the best coast.  I'm going to continue making art, and pursuing my dreams, and won't be letting anyone hold me back or knock me down. ROAR,,, I know have 6 credits on imdb.com and now I'm in the land of dreams....strange dreams haha haa haaaaaaa. haha. Does anyone even read this... I will keep posting anyway... I'm back on this train. :) I've included the trailer for Flowers... not my bag like I said, but I should be proud of my work and I am. I feel I did a wonderful job acting in this movie, and I'm happy with my scenes.  I got kind of grossed out when I watched it lol.  I'm not really into putting that type of stuff into my brain anymore.  When I get to my scenes I am kind of in love though.  I really enjoyed working on this film.   I may not like this movie, but there are many lonely souls out there who I guess enjoy seeing young women get brutalized..so yay I guess for you. Enjoy! hahaha! http://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=FLOWERS+horror&&view=detail&mid=BFD5C89A19BEC6273016BFD5C89A19BEC6273016&FORM=VRDGAR

There once was a little girl... She and her older brother lived with their true parents til she was about 3.  From  before her birth til her fathers death in this life..her parents were at war with one another.  She never knew them to be kind to one another...if they were she has no recollection because she was an infant.  She had many visions at this young delicate age of 3.  Many visitors in the spirit realm came to see her in the night. Once she heard voices downstairs and she peeked down the steps and saw ghosts sitting around her wooden round dinner table.  Another time she woke from chanting her heard outside.  She walked into her parent's room frightened but they were nowhere to be found.. The window was open, and the lacy white curtain was blowing in the breeze.  The chanting was loud and coming from outside in the field.  She looks and sees these glowing red fire people hitting at the earth with hatchets or axes. In the midst of the parents war..after much confusion, violence, sadness, bitterness, pain, and devastation between them..her father takes the two children without the mother's knowing and runs away with them... The mother is devastated, and feeling powerless eventually gives up trying to be a good mother as she falls into despair and depression.  The girl grows up without a true mother, but raised by someone she very much considered to be the wicked witch of the west from the Wizard of Oz movie.  She even thought she looked like her.  She would never treat the girl as her own, and acted somewhat jealous toward her.  She wanted her own daughter, and once she had given birth to her boy and girl she always made it a point to let everyone know that they were "not her children".  The girl grew up longing for a love that could never be satisfied..a need for emotional comfort..to be nurtured.  It's as if she suffered from a broken heart at age three.

 There was one she would see often.  He called himself the Judge.  He would come to her window outside of the home, and call her name..til she woke from her sleep and came to the window.  She would sit on the sill between the curtain and glass in her secret hiding place and look down at him.  His eyes glowed red.  He would ask her questions and they would talk.  He would say to her "Why don't you come down here?"  One time he asked her to do so..she replies " I can't..." He says "yes you can" his head looking up at her...his cape swirling ...his eyes red glowing..... His arms reach up into the air..suddenly she slips through the glass as if she is a ghost and she is upside down in the air falling in slow motion toward the demon..spinning...spinning closer closer...til her eyes are right in front of his, and then she sits straight up in bed...but it wasn't a dream.  Just another night... 

All of her childhood she is haunted by a dark presence.  As she grew older the night visions became less and less frequent.  There were nights she would wander in a sleep state afraid...searching for someone to keep her safe, but only her cat to comfort and protect.  The fear that consumed her at night was thick like a fog that hung over her in her bedroom every night.  She could feel something watching her from her windows at night always.  When she would go to bed she would pull her covers over herself so tightly leaving only a hole for her nose to breathe as if it were to shield her from the darkness that lingered.  ......there's more...

Oh wow... I haven't posted in ages... So much has happened with my acting since I last posted. I stopped trying to form a band for a while.  Some rad things worth mentioning here.  I've been in two short completed films by Mark Mackner.  One film "Mortal", by Kat Lehmer is still in the making, and should be out soon. I play a ghost (Ava) who haunts vampires(trailer below). One was called Saint Blacktrick it's like a parody of St. Patrick. It was a film made by Mark Mackner in Philadelphia in the Project 21 ..21 day filmmaking competition.  I really didn't know what to expect, but it was actually a really fun time making the movie, and when I saw the finished product at the Average Superstar screening for the film...I loved it more on the big screen.  It was the first time seeing myself up on the big screen ( I had finished filming for Mortal, but she is still doing final editing..It will be so worth the wait)  I'd dreamt of this moment...and fuck hollywood or not...it was like being in love...with myself for the first time in a whole other way.  I was so nervous for some reason...but there was no need...I looked awesome, and my parts turned out very well. The movie was definitely no kind of master piece, but it was fun, and not to be taken too seriously.   I only had a couple parts, but I still had a rad part. I was a snake worshipping cult member. The second film of M.M's was called Daisy Derkins Dogstitter of the Damned.  This movie I have to be drunk to watch... It's not my favorite,  but it was good practice nonetheless. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ZGO5eGe2lE  I The two movies I have finished my parts in..Flowers and Mortal..I'm still waiting on the final editing so we can screen them.  Mortal has been a long time in the making, but I think it's going to be my favorite.  Flowers, by Philip Stevens  is so brutal and scary!!! I'm not even going to lie... I'm a lil spooked about it!  It's almost like everyone involved in the making of this movie had some type of otherworldly shit happen to them during the making, and I remember doing my 6 hour in between the walls scene..by the end of it it had started to feel very real for me...like my dirt and blood covered body was really this way.... I had to do a sceme where I am dragging myself across the floor as if my legs were broken for hours hahaha.  I liked it though...It was a good workout.  I did a couple photo shoots since then as well, and will post some pix on the next one :)~ Trailer for Mortal and Flowers below

Sing to me of your broken heart. I can feel your pain, ladies. I feel the same

Learning to be alone hurts like Death.  6 years ago I held my father on this date(as of midnight) as I watched him slip into the another dimension. My loves leaves me in one week to join the military.  My heart aches.  I've been through more in five months than I've ever been through in this life.  I don't want to give up.  I will get back up and keep fighting strong like the warrior I am. I will find love... Love will find me..I trust that the Universe will provide me with an ocean of love.  I just need to take a swim in the ocean...let the waves pull me under.
Kali Ma help me fight to live...Bring me my love to save me from destroying myself and everything...<3 p="">

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zmWKz--L84c&list=LLry8dLtHnT0NTsxMIqkxhVw&feature=mh_lolz