I've recently decided that I will start putting here some of my stories of my journey, because I have a story to tell. Ideally this would all go in the book that needs to be written which would then be a film.
Anyhow, I think I've already mentioned some of the other worldly beings I've seen at my earliest memories a couple posts back during the times where Sindar my first cat was spiritually protecting me. I know to this day that is why I have been able to get this far despite everything. This far meaning how I've evolved as a person, and did not end up becoming like my abusers, dead, or in trouble ultimately.
At night I was always afraid of the dark, and the unseen because I knew I could feel things that were there and since I was swimming in fear constantly coming from the abuse and trauma that my parents being at war constantly put me through. My dad in particular was a large Italian quadruple Scorpio whirlwind of violent power. I remember thinking he was a giant. I do believe I was picking up on something with our bloodline. I don't know what he exposed me to, but I know that I was cracked open from the trauma and I could clearly see between worlds. I think doorways open during such traumatic events. Anyway, I don't want to dwell on this time frame as I've already covered what was happening at age 3 in the previous entries.
Growing up I saw things I could not explain. I woke and would see what I was dreaming in the waking life. I know people call that night terrors when they explain away things so it's logical, but I definitely think I could see between realms. I saw a gorgon once floating at the foot of my bed in the air. It's eyes glowed and looked at me and I just stared at it for a long time, with snakes in it's hair. I remembering being afraid and I just stared into it's eyes until it eventually went away.
I came onto this planet searching for someone. I wasn't planning to leave without them. I found myself in the process. I do the work on myself continuously. They say we attract mirrors of ourselves, and I realize every time just how wounded I am. My most recent reflection doesn't love himself..so how could he ever love me? Does this mean I don't love myself? I feel too much,and it gets me in trouble.. I left the door open and the light on, and I'm alone every night. I think I subconsciously make it easy for people to cut me when I let them in. I"m vulnerable in love. I'm a slave to it. It rules my soul and my being. I am a fountain of love endless and boundless pure love when I shine just right... My love makes me a servant to pain. Is this the meaning of Venus in Scorpio?
I'm aware of myself more now than ever and my patterns. I know how high I can become from the fantasy of what I think love is, or who someone is, and when they cut me down how I crash so hard and so low. When this happens I question everything and who they are, and I am left resposible for the illusion I have created of love. This completely derails me if I let it, and it also let's me know how deeply I felt or was touched by this person. If there was no pain there was no passion, and I didn't love them anymore. If I truly loved I am shattered and it feels like a knife in my chest and I cannot breathe for days. I have recently felt the knife and I am still catching my breath. I did a ceremony to remember who I was last night and it helped. Once again I am the phoenix.
I can't make this unimportant to me. I have no drive without love in my heart. No will ... I feel like a lost Fae spirit fading between worlds, because no one believes in me. The muse they all wanted to touch as an object, but no one has the will, strength, or ability to hold me. I feel like an imaginary entity, Some call me Goddess. Some believe in me... I am between worlds. Intangible apparently. My name means Queen of the Fae
I hold myself in truth. I embrace myself
The time in particula
