I'm not angry at the people who have hurt me anymore.  All the pain, and suffering I've ever felt for the most part is self inflicted. I've lost a lot of people close to me.  My father died in my arms eight years ago May 14th in a not so peaceful way.  I used to take substances to feel numb..which would eventually backfire, because I had a desire to self destruct at a young age.  I'd be lying if I said I didn't lose control at certain points.  I realize now I must have been battling my masculine self instead of embracing him.   All this time I was looking for him externally.  He is me.

 I've seen the flames... I see the fear, and rage in the eyes of those who judge, and scorn and cast stones at me carried over from lifetimes... for being a woman in my power my essence. I woman in Nature. I am a woman who is angry at being oppressed in numerous lifetimes, and I remember now who I am.  I am a woman who has suffered a broken heart too many times, tried to pick up the pieces too many times, saw the good in those who wouldn't see it in themselves, given all of myself to help others, I've given all of my heart to my loves and watched them change and shift faces and forms and slip into blackness.  Even you .... 

I am alone physically in this world.  I am love. I am a "witch".  I am the "devil" to my "family" I was shunned for being born.  I don't know who they thought I was or think I am anymore. What I do know is I don't fucking care anymore.  I forgive myself and thanks for the lesson...really.. but how much more do i need to suffer?  I know we create our own reality, but I have learned this....and I hope this helps..someone somehow. Money and Love..Love and Money DO NOT MIX!  I do not need to explain this further. Love yourself, and don't give anyone any money especially if you love them. They will use this money as a reason to make you feel you owe them and gain power.  You are priceless, and if someone loves you they don't need money or your possessions, and they will respect you.  I've made this mistake too many times. I was taking on relationships where I end up sacrificing all my assets to save the relationship which in turn destroys it because I have given my power away.  I can only be angry at myself for this. I have given them the power to take.  How long before I lose everything and am sleeping on the street for the sake of love? I've lost it all. My friends, my money, my stability...for love. How long until I wake up and realize that the love I seek is within? I'm not going to manipulate myself or drain my own power in the name of love. I'm just going to try harder to love myself at this point, because that (and one loud whiney siamese cat) is what I have...and you of course my shining star( I will see you again some day soon when I get out of this trap I have snared myself in) 

Oh things..

I haven't been updating ANYTHING here lately..so here it is.  I loved to California...yay! I am going to meet with some people about some acting spots in a local film.  I've done some modeling and projects with horror related films.  I have been in Mortal by Kat Lehmer. coming soon) 2 Mark Mackner films, one silly role as a hostess in a silly web series called Flour(not my bag. I'm no hostess) Flowers by Phil Stevens . ..Horror is cool, but gore is just...fucking gross! Im wanting to do more acting out here, and actually write my own film.  I am thinking dark comedy :) I feel motivated to focus on my acting right now.  Here are some pix of recent work :) I feel more positive out here on the west coast..the best coast.  I'm going to continue making art, and pursuing my dreams, and won't be letting anyone hold me back or knock me down. ROAR,,, I know have 6 credits on imdb.com and now I'm in the land of dreams....strange dreams haha haa haaaaaaa. haha. Does anyone even read this... I will keep posting anyway... I'm back on this train. :) I've included the trailer for Flowers... not my bag like I said, but I should be proud of my work and I am. I feel I did a wonderful job acting in this movie, and I'm happy with my scenes.  I got kind of grossed out when I watched it lol.  I'm not really into putting that type of stuff into my brain anymore.  When I get to my scenes I am kind of in love though.  I really enjoyed working on this film.   I may not like this movie, but there are many lonely souls out there who I guess enjoy seeing young women get brutalized..so yay I guess for you. Enjoy! hahaha! http://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=FLOWERS+horror&&view=detail&mid=BFD5C89A19BEC6273016BFD5C89A19BEC6273016&FORM=VRDGAR